please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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