then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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