They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
