apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
