Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
