Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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