i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Randomize
