some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize