im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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