not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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