get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
