My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
