my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
