I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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