omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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