I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
