Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
