im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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