I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
