my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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