I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
