In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
