Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
