dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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