I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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