Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
