The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
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