i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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