i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
