if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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