I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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