She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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