why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
