found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
