he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
