how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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