Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
