I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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