First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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