Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
