who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
In America we eat man semen.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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