I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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