My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
