My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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