Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
