If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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