Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
