Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
