U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
