I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
