i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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