so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
