Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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