You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
