You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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