so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
