Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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