Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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