At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
