my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
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